To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
