Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize