your parents love me but you hate me
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
