so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
