Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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