He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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