why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize