she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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