3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
