Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
