I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
