Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
