Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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