Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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