is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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