Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
