Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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