This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
