I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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