DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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