his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
