Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize