Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
