I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
