True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
