Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
