Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
