I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
