Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
