The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
