I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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