maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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