You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
