Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
