I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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