you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
