Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
