Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
