Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
