nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's blow job season.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
