Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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