So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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