im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
