I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
