so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
