I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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