1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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