Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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