if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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