I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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