i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
