it was like his penis was on wheels.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
