1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
