I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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