I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
