that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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