What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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