So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
