my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
